The Countdown Begins

I'm not sure what it is about 23 that is so stark and dooming. I am starting to wonder where people get the motivation to do what they want to. Even more so how do they get the resources? Is it only the blessed few that have a perfect combination of motivation and resources that are able to achieve their goals? I feel as though I have neither. I've been trying to decide what "I" want but not only can I not picture what it is but when a haze of a picture begins to form the road there is hazy and there is no actual way to accomplish anything. Going back to school is no longer seeming like a feasible option - I am accepting my path directly into adulthood. But now what?

I am the same age as my high school math teacher.

I need to drop the past and start anew. A plan that doesn't include any pieces of the past professionally or socially. I need to move forward and become who I am supposed to be, and who I have been before the molding of my surroundings.

Am I a blank slate or just blank?

Welcome to the symbol of my neurosis.

This is a symbol of my impending neurosis. What do I mean by that? Well, I'm turning 23 in a few days (3) and I am entirely unsatisfied with what I have accomplished. Perhaps I can fool myself into thinking that putting my thoughts and stories onto virtual pages will suddenly give everything value and myself a fooled sense of accomplishment. I guess I'll find that out later.

Here is where I am: In an apartment with my boyfriend-figure (so there's that) after a long day of walking dogs (my job) in Manhattan. Oh but no, this is not quite as glamorous as Girls. I'm actually in New Jersey "West New York" but I fool myself into thinking I don't live here.

I attempted college a few times but could never figure out what I wanted to do. I have always been told what to do, what to be, what to wear and how to act by my conflicting divorced parents. This left me with a horrific identity crisis. I never knew which route to take - my mothers or my fathers - I wanted to take both and make them both proud and both happy. I wanted to be liked by who my choices surrounded by throughout high school, as one can imagine these were also conflicting and as every other high schooler will say "I didn't feel like I belonged". This led me to changing majors left and right and feigning happiness until I realized I had no idea what I was doing.
But it doesn't stop academically, my friends from high school are strangers to me now because I don't recognize myself. The past years have been a long unproductive act.

As I try to develop myself outside of what I was molded into I am starting to wonder if there is anything left. Am I blank slate or just blank?